*Jon puts on his Introspection Hat.*

Ever notice how the biggest changes in your life for the better almost always come to be through painful ordeal?

What if you could enter that process willingly and become skilled at it?

I’ve noticed that pattern a lot in the last year, considering I’ve been through more pain and suffering in that time than in the rest of my life combined. All the varied agony kept cascading in more and more familiar patterns, and I realized that every time something unpleasant happens, I reach a very, very low point once I’ve contemplated it all and understand it, and then I bounce back, better than before.

But the key there is that it’s something I’m going through. As in a path. A path that has a destination.

So, being my typical stubborn self, I thought, what if I could turn this into a game? What if, instead of trying to shut out the pain and ignore it, I take it all head-on, and travel as quickly down that path as possible so I can get the hell over it and move on with my life?

So I’ve started doing that, and it’s pretty fantastic. Every time something bad happens to me, instead of shutting it out, ignoring it, or changing what I’m doing, I sit there and stare it down. I think about it. I think out every detail of what it means, the problems it’ll create for me, the pain I’m going to have to suffer through to fix the problem, the things I’ll have to lose to do it, and so on.

It’s hard, and it’s far more intense and painful all at once than it would be to draw it out. But whenever I do it, I reach a point of total emotional exhaustion, and I no longer fear the problem, or even feel that bad about it. I’ve put myself so through so much in so short a time that I’m sick of it and I want to move on. And I bounce back faster and harder than before.

I hate to keep bringing this up, but since it’s the most recent and easily relatable plight, I will. When my wife left me, it was completely without warning. We’d been together for five years, been best friends longer than that, and we’d only gotten married two months before. As far as I knew, everything was great. Then one morning, bam, bomb dropped. The marriage was a sham, she didn’t love me, hadn’t loved me for what sounded like years, she’d grown to hate me and she needed to leave. Out of the blue, no warning, in the middle of the worst death-crunch of my life, when I needed emotional support the most.

If I hadn’t been practicing pain management, I’d probably be a lot more fucked up over it. But I spent about four solid hours thinking over all the things we wouldn’t do together anymore, the life we wouldn’t lead, the experiences we wouldn’t share, the kids we’d never have, the love we’d never make, the fun we’d never have, and every other possible thing I could think of that involved her that I cared about, and let go of it, piece by piece.

Then I thought over everything we’d shared, experienced together, enjoyed and loved, and realized that, apparently, that whole time she’d been lying to me about loving me, and that none of it was genuine. So I spent a while thinking over that, everything that we’d done that meant nothing, and let go of the past and everything I’d ever appreciated about our relationship and friendship.

Going through all of that and letting it go was the single most emotionally devastating thing that had ever happened to me. It was such an incredible blow to me that some thoughts literally brought me to my knees, because I had absolutely no willpower left even to stand on my own two feet. I couldn’t speak, couldn’t see straight, I couldn’t do anything but hold onto whatever was near me, stare blankly off into space and dry heave.

Once I was done with that, though, after about four hours, I was fine. The rest of the day I was upbeat, chipper, talking to her, buying her plane ticket, helping her pack, taking her out to lunch, chatting with friends, then driving her to the airport. Happy as a clam. No weak knees, spring in my step, at peace with the world. I was back at work the next day like nothing happened, and crunched heavily for the next few weeks until we shipped the game. No one at work suspected a thing. And I haven’t cried or gotten weak even once since that day. I’ve actually been happy since.

Of course, after that, anything else would seem simple by comparison. But I’m getting better every single day at dealing with hardships. I’m developing that as a skill so that anytime something gets me down, I can get through it as quickly as possible and start functioning again and solving problems. It’s a point of pride to me to be able to keep my shit together even when I’m at my lowest, specifically so I can spring back.

And that’s the crux of my whole self-improvement kick. Once that happened, I started facing down all my other problems. The weight I wanted to lose, the useless shit I own that I want to be rid of, the crappy habits I have, the mental blocks that impede me from what I want… I’m facing them all down now and understanding them so I can get better.

I am at the lowest point that I have ever been in my entire life. And I will get lower. But I’ve never felt more equipped to handle it than now.

So be honest with yourself. When pain comes, face it. Understand that PAIN IS A PROCESS, and enter it. Understand all its implications, what it means to you, and how you can get over it. And do your best to get better at dealing with it every time it comes. It IS a learnable skill, and I know from experience that it can serve you well.

Are you equipped for whatever life can throw at you?